Why I am writing a book about the body and sexuality

I am writing a book about the body and sexuality because I believe that we Christians have sent the wrong message about how to pursue purity.

I grew up in an environment where sexuality was rarely talked about, and when it was discussed, it was with a "don't think about it" attitude. I went to Bible college, and most men's Bible study groups ended up being about guys repenting for the hundredth time about their thought lives. And I never once met a guy who felt victorious in the fight.

And I began to think deeply about the question, "If what we have really is the truth, and if the truth really can change lives, then why isn't what we're doing here changing lives?" All these people were defeated in their Christian lives, deeply ashamed, full of remorse, and not at all enjoying who they were created to be--including myself.

And I realized, over time, that it was possible to have the truth, the real, full truth, but to be misunderstanding and misapplying it. And that began to crystallize in the area of sexuality.

Basically, most thinking on the subject of sexuality in the Christian world goes: "It's dangerous, it will take you down, you can't trust your flesh, don't think about it at all, don't entertain any thoughts whatsoever about sexuality, or you're sinning." At least that's what I heard, over and over.

And I realized that where we were starting, on a Bible timeline, was with the Fall of Adam and Eve. We were starting with the dangers, which are certainly real, but that it wasn't the full picture.

Where the story starts is before the Fall, where God created us glorious creatures. If we hadn't fallen, all humanity would be naked, and we would all see each other as God's glorious works of art.

And when you begin to see humanity, and your own body and sexuality, through that lens, and really let it dig down deep to the level of your worldview, everything changes.

The fight against sin changes from a fight to "not look" into the responsibility to "look at the whole thing through different eyes."

Take, for example, a woman's breasts. They are obviously beautiful, and lovely, and attract men. But men, even Christian men, are enslaved to them in many ways. So the goal becomes to avoid seeing a woman's breasts at all costs, which is ridiculous, because any time a man sees a woman, he's going to see breasts. And they might be covered, but that doesn't matter much to a man. His thought life can easily undress any woman. So he's still defeated.

The goal has to be to see breasts differently.

If a woman took her top off in front of a bunch of rowdy construction workers, she'd get stares, and perhaps some excited yelling. But if she just stood there, the novelty factor would wear off, and men would eventually be thinking to themselves, "All right, honey, you're pretty, but we've got work to do." And if she stood there long enough, and the men were free to stare, they'd put breasts in the proper perspective--they're beautiful but they're not supposed to be those men's masters.

And if we could see breasts from a doctor's eyes, through dissections, through charts and graphs of how they function to feed a baby, and of all the things that can go wrong in them, we'd again change our perspective, and see them as even more beautiful because of their function, but not so much as reasons to be enslaved and defeated for fifty years--which most Christian men face.

And the more I thought about all that, I realized that one of the litmus tests of perversion was breastfeeding. This beautiful process, where a woman is feeding her baby, tells how healthy or skewed we are. A woman's body is clearly designed to bear children and feed them. Her hips, her sexual organs, etc., are designed to receive that life, and her breasts are clearly designed to nourish that newborn.

But what do men see when they see a woman breastfeeding, especially in public? A majority of them see something pornographic, something they think they should not see. To me, that's absurd. Breastfeeding is beautiful, and it's a clear reminder by God of how He takes care of and nourishes His children. It's also a clear reminder of how God uses points of immense pleasure in our lives as part of normal healthiness and nourishment. He delights to give His children good gifts. Breasts are sexual objects, but they are so much more, and there is a context for the different ways they should be seen.

Imagine a teenage boy today, growing up like everyone else, who for the first time at age sixteen or seventeen sees a woman with her top open, feeding her baby. What would he be thinking? He'd be thinking, "I want to look but I shouldn't." And if he can look without getting caught, he will. But he will feel ashamed for looking. And if he could, he'd go fantasize and masturbate over it.

But imagine a boy who'd grown up in a home where that sight was normal and frequent. Where he'd seen his mother and aunts and cousins breastfeed many times in front of everyone. Where he'd been to art galleries that included nude art, and his parents not only didn't rush him through those galleries, but stopped, admired, and appreciated the beauty of the art.

And what if his parents said all his life, "Son, you are going to face a hard struggle at times to be pure, but before we talk about that in depth, which we will, your mom and I want to send you the clear message that your desires and the pleasure you can experience in life is a gift from God. You should celebrate how much you long to enjoy sexuality, and how much you enjoy the beauty of a woman. Don't think for one minute that God is displeased with your desires--after all, He gave them to you. And as you think along those lines, as you celebrate how God created you, understand, too, that God designed it to work best in the confines of marriage, where is it safe, and where there is commitment. In that context, God permits us to take all this beauty, and enjoy it to the hilt. So see yourself as God's living art, worth keeping pure, when the time is right for you to get married, dive in headfirst and thank God for such a wonderful gift."

And what if his parents backed it up, as I said, by not being ashamed themselves, and not making the body a big deal, and by his mom and other family members breastfeeding in front of him all through his childhood?

What would such a boy be thinking as he sees a woman breastfeeding? He'd think it's lovely, normal, and good. It's nourishing that little baby. And he could walk right up to that nursing mother and sit down and watch, and think that it's beautiful, and then get up and walk away without any guilt or fantasizing.

And when he got married himself, he wouldn't be thinking, "I've spent the last ten years thinking how I shouldn't think about a woman's curves or breasts, and feeling immensely guilty over that, and now I get to switch gears and enjoy it, but I know I'll still feel guilty for a while, because that's how I've always been trained to feel about these things."

Instead, he wouldn't be struggling at all with guilt, would see his desires and his wife's desires as wonderful through and through, and would be ready to jump in and delight in his wife and their sexuality.

The body is meant to be seen as good, and rejoiced in. Only in that context can we truly fight sin the right way. The goal is not to stop looking or thinking about the body or about sexuality. The goal is to see it through pure eyes, and with a rejoicing, thankful heart.

Writing this book has transformed my life and my perspective. I see the world more beautifully than ever before, and I could not go back to the old way of thinking if I tried.

Together

We are not meant to live our lives alone. We are meant to eat together, work together, live together. We’re not meant to handle life on our own. We're supposed to be strong enough to handle life filled with people. Relationships are what push us forward. Intimate relationships can open and heal wounds we've hidden for years. In a close relationship, we are constantly challenged to love when we're empty, to show grace where there's none due, and to unveil the flaws we try to conceal. It’s where we learn to be good forgivers and to live out the love God has shown us.

Slaves of Christ

On the way to church tonight I was listening to a sermon about how we don't like to talk about being slaves to Christ. There are five or six words in Greek that can be used to talk about being a servant, but the word the New Testament uses most often is the word doulos, which is the word "slave," even though it's often translated more generically as servant.

But the word actually means "slave," and if the writers had wanted to refer more generically to servants, they had plenty of other words to pick from. But we are called "slaves" of Christ.

I am not saved so that God can fulfill all my dreams, or make my life whole--though He often does. I am called to follow and obey Him, no matter what. Christ is my master, and I am His slave.

And being His slave is better than being free in any other sense. Having Him as my master is the most liberating state possible, because I am free to be what He created me to be.